The Last Hurrah

Just like so many families, we have had so much going on in our day to day life,  but combine this with my crazy travel schedule as of late (professional and personal) and all of us dealing with the emotions of the divorce, I really wanted to spend some quality time with the girls.  For their mid-winter break, I wanted to go away, someplace close and pretty easy to manage, and Frankenmuth seemed like the perfect answer.  It is called Michigan’s “Little Bavaria” and as anyone from Michigan knows, it's famous for its great chicken dinners and a wide array of German beers.  That, combined with hotels that offer multiple indoor pools, slides, arcades, and general “kid” fun, and I was in.  But there inlaid the problem- I didn’t want to take the girls by myself.  Not that I couldn’t handle it, or that I didn’t want one on one time alone with them, but that I was not ready to stop traveling as a family.  I couldn’t bear the thought of M missing out on the girls having fun, so after many discussions (M and I, as well as explaining to the girls), we decided to go together. 

And to answer your next question, no, it wasn’t weird.

It made me sad.

Despite the 10 inches of snow and ice we had just received, we decided to make a go of it, and during the 2+ hr drive the girls were in the back, playing away on their DS, and we were in the front- just like any other car trip we have ever taken.  We arrived, and the girls were bursting to get into the pools, and do we dropped our stuff off in the room, changed, and were out the door in less than 15 minutes.  We had a blast all afternoon- swimming,  relaxing in the hot tub, playing put-put golf, watching the girls hula-hoop during dinner, arcade games- even teaching the girls to Polka.  I thought to myself a few times that anyone looking in from the outside would never guess that our family was about to break apart- that in less than a month I would be moving, with the girls to follow weeks later.  That M and I were almost done with divorce proceedings, and we had just spent the previous day packing up the basement where we came across flowers I had pressed from our Junior Prom.  It was the last time we would ever travel like this- the four of us- as a family, and the knowledge of that was always there in the back of my mind. 

When we were leaving the girls said how much fun they had, and I told them how much I did too.  I also told them how, even though Mommy and Daddy would not be married anymore, it didn’t mean that we don’t still like each other and respect one another, and most of all, love both of them very much.  They nodded and said they understood, but to be honest, I not even sure if I get it.  The biggest lesson I have learned to date is that there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to work through divorce as a family, there is only “our way”.  But the trip did make me realize one thing- how much I am going to miss my friend.  The one who gave me those pink roses at Junior Prom so many years ago, who knows that if I don’t get coffee first thing in the morning don’t even bother talking to me, and knows that I am going to push to get every drop of fun out of anything I do.  And whom I know was scared to drive in that snow storm, but did it anyway because the girls and I really wanted to go, who hates the water but swam for 3 hours to keep his kids happy, and whom I know is sad about us moving even if he won’t ever say it.  And yes, there were many things during the past few days that confirmed that we no longer belong together, and one overnight trip does nothing to change the path we are on, but I choose not to concentrate on those things.  I choose to concentrate on the fact that the love M and I have for the girls does not change, and that even though this is the most difficult of times, we can still make each other smile.  Isn’t that what friends are for?

You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up

There is a husband and wife team, Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn,  who have written a book called “You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up:  A Love Story”  It is a hilarious and moving memoir all about their journey through 13 years of marriage, and the realizations of what life is vs. what you think it will be.

I have never met them, but I can tell you that I think they rock.  I want to hang out with them, share some red wine, and laugh as we both expound on the realities of life, because friends- these people are hysterical.

Some particularly thought-provoking snip-its from their book include:

·         The lower your expectations, the happier you will be

·         Dispel the myth of happily ever after- it’s just ever after

·         Getting married doesn’t solve problems, it only creates new ones

And my favorite…

·         Two people can be in the same place, at the same time, and have completely different marriages

Now yes, before you think my hopeless romantic heart has gone all cynical, I understand that these are tongue-in-cheek remarks, but let’s be honest- there is a significant grain of truth to be had here.

In looking back, I can see that I did hold my marriage responsible for solving a lot of issues.  I thought that it was to provide my happiness, security, and define what my life should be like.  I know now that I need to be happy with myself first, secure in who I truly am, and appreciate the value of what I personally bring to a relationship.  I believed that together we could get through anything that life threw at us, and for a lot of times, this was true.  But I think that I believed that we were able to do that because we were “together”, and not because of what both of us as individuals provided.  Most importantly, it is true that two people, in the same situation, in the same marriage, can be leading two parallel paths and not even realize it.  This is so far beyond not seeing a situation the same way- it is truly taking the day to day life of a marriage and crafting that into what you as an individual need in order to feel satisfied, happy; and sometimes this is not the same thing that your spouse has turned their life into.  It is two different marriages, held by two different people, outwardly viewed as one whole.  And there, my friends, is the cracked foundation that should be the cornerstone of your relationship.   It is impossible to grow a life on something that is essentially crumbling at the seams, especially if you choose to turn a blind eye to it. 

It seems that Annabelle and Jeff were able to use some of these real life truths to their advantage, and ultimately, strengthen their relationship as husband and wife.  I want to take their lead, and never forget to find the irony and humor in all relationships and everyday life, because sometimes you just need to say shut up.

Georgia, will you be my Valentine?

So I am on my flight Saturday, and suddenly the following realization hits me- this will probably be my last trip to Georgia as a visitor.   The next time I come here will be to live- in a new house, on my own, starting a new life.  Wow.  For a girl who lives all of 5 miles from where I grew up, this is a pretty big adjustment.  And while I am looking forward to it, in all honesty, it scares me to death.

Those that have known me a long time know that Georgia and I have had a pretty rocky relationship.  After college, I lived here with my sister for a few months.  I searched for a job while M finished college.  Nothing panned out, so I returned to Michigan and we established our life together.   M and I always casually discussed the idea of moving south one day, until about 5 years ago we decided to get serious about it.  We put the house up for sale, searched for jobs, and started to mentally say goodbye to our life in Michigan.  This was when the real estate market started to dive, and at the time we were aghast at the thought of loosing 30k on the house (what I wouldn’t give for that now!!!)  The problem was I couldn’t stop thinking of all of the little things- Would I like the new job? Where would we live?  I would need to find a new pediatrician, dentist, places to shop, and activities for the girls… new friends for all of us… How do we make it all work? Eventually I was offered a position with a communication company, and I ended up turning it down.  It just didn’t feel right- it was just too much.  Poor Georgia- I rejected you again.

So often, as it is in life, you look back and realize that things happen for a reason, and timing is everything.  Now all of those little things- which I still have to solve for- just don’t seem to matter as much, and I find Georgia waiting with open arms to welcome me again.  This time, it is right.  It provides enough support- family and a few friends I already have- and enough “newness” to translate into the next chapter in my life. 

With any new relationship, it’s the discovery phase that provides a lot of excitement.  Finding comfort in what you already have in common, but also the new experiences you never thought of, and learning more about yourself along the way. It is this phase of the relationship that I can’t wait to experience with this state I will soon call my own.    As I look for places that will make it feel like home, it gives me a little rush as I discover what others already know as their every day.  Eventually, as with all relationships, I know that Georgia and I will fall into a comfortable pattern, but also one where hopefully we will have make a positive impact on each other, and never truly loose that sense of adventure and excitement. 

So with that in mind, I am looking forward to a long and happy relationship with the Peach state and celebrating many more Valentine’s Days together.

A History Lesson...

Oh, young love, and all that it represents…..

After 20 years of being together, 13 years of marriage, 3 moves, 2 kids… I find myself with 1 divorce. 

I have had to field the ultimate question- “What happened?”- so many times that I think it has become a neat little packaged speech, however I will not provide that here.  Here will lay out a more detailed story, and while still a Cliff’s Notes version (no one has THAT much time on their hands for the entire saga) it will paint the picture pretty clearly.

M and I were high school sweethearts.  We met and started dating at 15, and in every sense of the word grew up together.  We went to separate colleges, which was good for us, but still visited each other on a consistent basis.  We dated others during those years, but for many reasons found our way back to each other and got married.  We were young, and we believed we wanted the same things.  We knew- I mean, REALLY KNEW- each other, and were each other’s best friend. Naively, I thought that at the end of the day, we loved each other and that was enough.    We had fun- whether it was the two of us alone or in group settings- and even though we were truly two different people, I always believed that it was the Yin and Yang scenario, and that it only complimented each other.

Fast forward 10 years. 

Now, in our mid-thirties, we had changed.  We had two amazing kids, and yes, while kids change everything, this was not the issue.  We changed as individuals, and not in the same way.  I had a job that required extensive travel, and X had for all intensive purposes a 9 – 5 role that was just his speed.  I thought it worked, until it didn’t.  But it was so much more than that… who we were didn’t mesh together the way it once had.  I realized that our passion had become process; our “us” had become a “you or me” scenario. I went through a phase where I was just trying to figure out who I was, and what is was I really wanted out of  life.  M waited for me to make up my mind, all the while growing stronger roots into a life that I just didn’t see myself living.  Ironically, we never stopped having fun, enjoying each other’s company.  It was the charade of a marriage that we didn’t even realize we were living. The entire time I fought the idea of our marriage not working out every step of the way.  I knew something was off; that this was not how it was supposed to be, and sought out anything I could in order to fix it.  More time together, just the two of us.  More time as a family.  More time for ourselves, to realize our independence.  Marriage counseling (multiple times) only to realize that the issue was not “us” but that each of us as individuals were no longer a match.  M was content to sit by the sidelines as I worked to figured it out, and the lack of engagement made it that much more frustrating to me.  We were roommates that had kids, and planned activities around that dynamic.  One day I realized that this is what I was teaching my daughters a marriage was, and that was not acceptable to me.  I wanted them to realize that a marriage was so much more than just two people that co-exist, and ultimately I realized that both M and I deserved better, too.

Making the decision to divorce was the most difficult thing I have ever done, however I have never been at such a level of peace with a decision in my life.  M and I get along better than we have in years, because we no longer feel that pressure to be husband and wife, but we are now truly the good friends that we always were, and hopefully, always will be.  We both realize that we deserve happiness- where ever that leads us.  For me, this involves a move to Georgia with the girls, and a new life there.  For M, he will stay here in Michigan, be supported by family and friends, and most importantly continue to be a great father-  an active and important part in the girls’ lives.   This does not mean that it is without sadness and pain, and hurt for those we love and care about.  Nothing is ever perfect, and regardless of how well we get along now, it is a hard road to travel, but in the end we both know it’s the right thing to do. 

So now, through this Blog, I will just try to figure out what life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is supposed to look life for a thirty-something woman who finds herself a single mom of two amazing girls and moving to the South.  And, most importantly, finding the happy in this crazy adventure that is life.