Windows to the Soul

Here is a quirky fact about me.


I am an organ donor. When that fatal day occurs, by all means, take whatever you need-  it's not going to do me much good anymore. I do have one caveat, however- you can't have my eyes.


A person's eyes say so much; they give you away, express love, sadness, excitement, etc... I also truly believe that they are the window to the soul. If I loose my window... well, you see where my crazy mind takes me... anyway, I digress....


The other window to the soul? Music.


I know that everyone enjoys music, but I truly love it. It totally speaks to me, changes my mood, and expresses things in a way that I never could. I may not watch a lot of TV, but I always have music on. Since I have had cable installed in the new house, the only thing I have turned on has been the music channels way up the 800's. Music truly provides a soundtrack to your life. How many times do you hear a song from way back when, and it that second it provides a rush of memories so vivid that you can actually see it... you can remember exactly where you were in that moment, who you were with, what you were feeling, possibly even the smells of your surroundings. Music is powerful, and for me, something that I could never live without.


I think this is why I totally exhibit signs of OCD when it comes to some songs and/or bands. For example, during our annual Girls Weekend in Chicago a few years back, we saw a band called Red Wanting Blue at Ballydoyle's pub. They were beyond amazing, and in that moment I connected with their music (to all my WMU friends, imagine the first time you heard "The Freshman" - the original version- by The Verve Pipe... same thing...) Their songs are heartfelt and moving, while still being edgy. As with all great bands, you need to experience them live to get the full effect. I down loaded all of their albums and listened to them for months straight. OK, I still do.


Most recently, I have two other new obsessions. The first is Adele. If you have not heard her album "21" do yourself a favor and get it. Now. You can thank me later. The first 100 times I listened to the album it made me think of some of my favorite college moments, like when Rose would blast Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" from her room in the sorority house (ahhhhh....who could ever forget those days??? : ) She sings songs of love, loss, strength- all with the most hauntingly beautiful and soulful voice. And she is 21. Amazing. I barely remember what I was doing at 21... Please see reference above of "sorority house".


And this brings me to my other obsession... Mumford and Sons. The album is moving, and deeply spiritual, but don't let that sway you. Of course there is Little Lion Man, but the song that speaks to me even more is The Cave. This is the song of my life in this moment... here, now.




"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind


Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind


Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be


And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"




I blasted this song over and over again once I hit the Georgia state line on the drive from Michigan. I did it again during the 15 minute drive from closing on the house to going to meet the movers, crying my eyes out the entire time. Dramatic? Perhaps, but this is what music does for me... at a time when maybe I can't put into words everything that I am feeling, I know that there will be a song that will do it for me.


Thanks, music. You rock.

Oh, the Places I Will Go

Think about great literary works of art, and what comes to mind?  Maybe "Catcher in the Rye" "To Kill a Mocking Bird"  or even “Are you there God?  It’s Me, Margaret.” Whatever it was I bet it didn't include the Dr. Suess book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!".


This is by far one of my favorite books.  It is typically given to high school or college grads as they set forth on the great journey of life...and that's great, but it also sums up life- regardless of your age- in all of its 26 pages. 

“Out there things can happen

And frequently do

To people as brainy

And footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,

Don’t worry. Don’t stew.

Just go right along.

You’ll start happening too.

“You’ll be on your way up!

You’ll be seeing great sights!

You’ll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.”

Seemingly straight forward on the outside, and childish at its heart, this book delivers a meaningful introspective and philosophical conversation when you sit down and look behind the cute, colorful cover.  Basically, its much deeper than what you think it is capable of being. But all of this is not the reason why I love it.  Truly, this book walks you through all of the ebbs and flows of life, and reminds you that this is a journey, and you are going to experience a lot along the way. 

“I’m sorry to say so

But, sadly, it’s true

That Bang-ps

And Hang-ups

Can happen to you.

And when you’re in a Slump

You’re not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

Is not easily done.

You will come to a place

Where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted

But mostly they’re darked.

A place you could sprain

both your elbow and chin

Do you dare to stay out?

Do you dare to go in?”

Throughout the book it describes all of the “places” that you will go, but there is one part that never really resonated with me- and that was “The Waiting Place...”

You can get so confused

That you’ll start in to race

Down long wiggled roads

At a break n-ecking pace

And grind on for miles

Across weirdish wild space

Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place.

Me? Wait? Yeah, I don't think so.  Not only do I have the patience of a gnat, I am not one to let things pass me by- I tend to search and conquer whatever it is I want to accomplish.

Until now.  Now I get it.

I now realize that I have been in the waiting place for quite a while... For a long time I didn't even realize it, and when I finally did, I searched multiple roads thinking that was the way out. But none of these roads were the one that I needed to be on.  The realization that I was in the waiting place made me depressed- that is not who I am.  How do I get to the place that I belong?

Now I have found the right path, and am beginning to see that light at the end of the proverbial tunnel..

Moving, while exhausting, has completely energized me.  I am sure that part of it is knowing I have so much to do, or the “newness” of it all, or waking up with the warm bright sun to greet me every day; but I can feel the shift, the change, in me.  Yes, this is hard for many, many reasons, but I find that I have a smile on my face-  a lot.  I laugh- easily- and it feels good. I am looking forward to what tomorrow has to bring, and instead of just swirling around in the sea of uncertainty, I am on the right path… and step by step I am working my way out of the waiting place… I will escape all of the waiting and staying and get back to the bright place where the Boom Bands are playing… and will I succeed?

98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.

Thinking outside of the box

Without fail, every time we have a celebration and my nephew is in attendance, should there happen to be a gift placed in a box he will exclaim "It's a box! You've always wanted a box!" I love this for two reasons- 1. It’s just one of those "family lines" that is always repeated and 2. His sarcastic sense of humor is starting to rival my own, and God only knows I love me some good sarcasm.

Today, however, a box (or the 78 or so scattered around this house) is not necessarily what I wanted.

Today I closed on my house. Today the movers unloaded all of said boxes (along with a crazy mode-podge of furniture) into the house. 

It also happens to be my birthday.

Yes, I do believe that it is somewhat cool, with a touch of kismet mixed with good fortune, that I took possession of my house on my birthday.  The universe is pretty much screaming "re-birth" into my ear, and in the years to come it will be a definitive "marker" to gage progress in my life.  But not today. Today I just feel overwhelmed. The towering stack of boxes looming over me, daring me to find a home for all this stuff; the sense of loss I am struggling with because I am not with my girls today- that they were not here to greet me in the morning with birthday hugs and kisses; and the emotional realization that- OMG- I did it, I moved, I am finally turning the page to the next chapter in my life- is all rolled up into today.  I am a believer in a few things- that you need to face the challenges in life in order to appreciate the good times... That I am strong... That when I begin to lose faith in myself I have amazing family and friends that pick me up, let me vent, or kick my ass if need be... But most of all I do believe that where you are in life is exactly where you need to be in that moment and you should do everything you can to embrace it. 

I just wish where I was didn't involve so many damn boxes.

Home?

I was on the phone the other day with a friend and co-worker who asked me about my pending move (4 days from now, but please, let’s not even mention that…) We discussed my travel calendar and how I will manage returning to Michigan as often as possible to be with the girls.  I mentioned my first trip home was (a long) 12 days after the move, and he quickly corrected me, “Michigan will no longer be your home.  You have to realize that.”  And as much as I love it when people call me out like that, because I often need to hear it, it was hard to admit that he was right.

I thought about that comment all weekend as I weeded through and packed up all of my belongings- not OUR stuff, MY stuff.  Even as the walls are becoming bare, and the rooms start to have that empty echo as everything is removed, I don’t think that it has hit me yet.  I’m leaving. This place that I have called home all my life.  This state, that despite the fact that in some ways it may not be as strong as it once was, I love dearly and know how much it has to offer;  amazing sports teams, any recreation you could imagine, Northern Michigan in the summer, just to name a few.  And this doesn't even begin to touch on the wonderful and amazing set of friends and family that I will leave behind.  I know in my heart I will always be a Michigan girl, but I wonder when I will stop calling it home.   What has to happen for you to call a place “home”?  Are all of your favorite things in just the right place?  Have you made friends with the neighbors, and know some of the local hot spots?  Is it the first time I say y’all? 

I know that at some point it will happen- Michigan will become the place that I am “from” not where I “am”.  And when this change occurs, I wonder how it will make me feel, and how I will hold the previous 37 years that I spent here.  I know it’s not as if I won’t ever return, but those of you who have moved from this place you once called home know what I am talking about;  it’s never the same when you come back.   But then again, maybe that’s the point.  That as you grow and change, that it’s ok that you look at things differently, including where your heart calls home.

Mr.(s) Wizards World

Do you remember the somewhat campy TV show called Mr. Wizard’s World?

“Mr. Wizard” (aka Don Herbert in real life) produced and starred in the Nationally Televised show than ran for 15 years covering topics from Astrology to Zoology.  His ability to really capture the minds of people at any age, especially young closet science freaks such as myself (proud member of Science Olympiad and 3 time attendee to Space Camp talking here) is something I find so intriguing.  He was able to take fairly complex “stuff” and make it interesting… dare I say fun… to the point where you wanted to learn more.  Furthermore, it was as if your Grandpa was sitting there doing your science project with you. OK, your cool Grandpa, but still, no flashing lights, pulsing music, crazy graphics or extensive marketing campaigns; just the facts.  For me, the point was that Mr. Wizard really drove fairly complex concepts and theories down to the basic level where it made you say, “Yeah, I get that”. 

So what’s the moral of this story?  It’s that everyone, at some point in their life, needs a Wizard.

I wish that I could take credit for the term “Wizard”; however I admit I totally stole it from a friend.  Either way, I use it all the time even if I didn’t create the term.  In the end, the name doesn’t matter; call it what you want- counselor, therapist, shrink, head doctor- who cares?  (Insert gasp here) Oh- I went to the taboo place, didn’t I?  It’s the Person-Who-Must-Not-Be Named…. Oh, but I went there anyway.  Now, for those of you who are saying “I would never need to go talk to someone about XXX” OMG- get over yourself.  We are all f’d up in some way, shape or form, and isn’t life all being the best you can be and enjoying every moment?  Besides, you don’t know what you’re missing!

First, a Wizard is so much more than going for Girls Night Out and commiserating with others about “how can you not see the 1,528 things that need to be done around the house as you are playing Black Ops- AGAIN?” kind of thing.   Venting to friends, for both men and women, is priceless; but at the end of the day, it is what it is- a conversation that leaves you knowing you are not the only one that can’t stand picking up dirty socks of the bathroom floor for the millionth time, but not necessarily something that leaves you a better person.

Finding the right Wizard is not an easy task- trust me, we went through 3 other less than magical folks before we found the current Wizard, but in the end it was all worth it.  Previous encounters included a lot of self analysis, test taking, and discussion around the man/woman dynamic- that is so not what I am talking about.  It is about you being able to really discuss what is going on in that little head of yours- confessions, past hurt or scars, dreams and aspirations- and how all of this mashed up together makes you  into who you are today.  But the best part is, when you are able to identify some of the  ... um.. roadblocks shall we say?... that are in your way to happiness, a good Wizard is able to break down all of that “stuff” and lead you to a point where you are like “Yeah, I get it…”  You realize that it doesn’t have to be complicated, and that honestly, you knew these self discoveries all along, you just needed someone to help you understand what they meant.  No flashing lights, pulsing music, crazy graphics or self-help books needed.   

Working with a Wizard does not have to be a long term science project or result in a Masters in Biochemistry; maybe it’s just a refresher course that helps you remember what you need to, or expand on a theory that you totally got the basics on, but now want the AP version.  Either way, I encourage you to be open to the Wizarding World and all it has to offer… the results can be magical.

A Whole New Meaning to "Power Shopping"

Ah, spring time!  The snow is starting to melt (I can dream, right?), flowers are starting to bloom, and something else begins to emerge from the depths of the cold to remind you change is in the air - Spring Catalogs!  I am not going to lie.  I love getting catalogs in the mail.  I can waste way too much time pouring over the new fashions for spring and summer- White House/ Black Market, Ann Taylor, J Crew, Anthropologie- bring it baby!  And of course, nothing pulls at my heart stings more than a beautiful pair of shoes.  I love to think about what pair will be the newest member of the shoe rotation, how I know it will go with everything I own (but will of course need something new to compliment them) and how they will look so beautiful with those 3 ½ inch heels hanging off the back of the shoe rack in line with all of its new friends. 

Well, except for this year.  Shoes, and really anything that is not a bare necessity, is not in the game plan.  And please know, I am soooo not complaining, because I know how lucky I have been.  Being in a two income household provided it’s challenges, but to be certain it’s luxuries as well.  I just need to refer to my embarrassingly large collection of shoes to remind me of that.  It’s a new day, and one where I alone will be financially responsible for the house and all who live in it.  Which brings me to what my new spring purchase:

A 19v Craftsman Power Drill.

Now please, I know you can all see me in Home Depot examining the power drills.  And no, I was not looking for the “pretty” one.   As I carefully honed in on my decision, I heard my dad’s voice somewhere in the background where he once told his daughter “If you ever have to buy tools, buy the best ones you can afford.”   What is true in tools I also happen to believe is true in shoes; hence the cost of my black boots- WAY more than any power drill I will ever own.   And while no power drill, shop vac, miter saw even a pair of saw horses will ever bring me the joy and excitement of a new pair of platform pumps, I will say that I had a sly smile on my face as I went to pay for my selection.  At the end I believe I held my own, so much so that the guy working the cash register mentioned that he owned the same drill and loved it.  Of course he does, because if nothing else, this girl does know how to shop.

The Redd Room Gets A Roof

It’s amazing how sometimes life takes forever to change, and then there is that time when, in a blink of an eye, the view is entirely different.  This is one of those times.

I don’t think that "change" could be any more official… I bought a house.

The key word here is “I”.

OK, so in the spirit of full transparency, I am a little proud of myself.  Maybe a little more than a little.  In the past, when dealing with such huge life decisions, it involved a lot of discussion, pro and con list, consulting with friends, family, ensuring everyone had buy in to the decision.  This time it could not have been more different.  I connected with a real estate agent, searched the MLS listings, was approved for a mortgage, went down to Georgia, stayed on my own,  toured some homes, and decided that this was the one.  And yes, while I did discuss the decision with a few people- my sister was there when I needed her, and confirmed what I needed to know about the neighborhood and schools,  and a good friend (the kind that knows you better than you know yourself) kept me in check when necessary and reminded me of my guard rails - but it was ultimately my decision, and mine alone.   

To even get the contract signed has been a long process as it is a foreclosure, and I am not going to lie, it is much smaller than what we are used to (Georgia homes need to understand the benefit of this great thing called a basement- everyone should have one) but the important thing is that I can see us there.  I think that it will provide us what we need in so many ways.  It is cozy and offers this sense of closeness- something we need as we are going through such a difficult time- but the Master bedroom is on the main floor and the girls’ rooms are upstairs, so a good amount of separation when necessary.  Formal dining room- yeah, I don’t think so- so I am going to turn it into a media room, perfect for all Wii challenges and Mario battles.   There is a bonus room above the garage- instant home office.  We can see the neighborhood pool from the front yard, which I am sure, is where my 2 little fish will spend the entire summer.  There is even a fenced-in yard for the dog.  And did I mention, it’s in the same neighborhood as my sister, so we will have lots of support for those times that I will have to travel out of town- vital for my peace of mind and keeps familiar surroundings for the girls.

I think it’s ironic that I signed the contract on Valentine’s Day, and the close date is my birthday.  With everything I have dealt with in this scenario, things have truly fallen into place, and helped to make my decision easy, rational, and responsible.  So unlike me.

Oh- and the most important thing about the house, just in case you didn’t notice from the picture… it’s red.