So I find myself in this
stretch of time after the end of summer and the beginning of fall, where the
insanity of back to school, conferences, start up of the girls’ practices,
games, uniform fittings, permission slips, and crazy amounts of homework
ensue. Usually, there is this wonderful short
window (called Thanksgiving for a reason) where I find I can take a breath in
preparation before the next level of insanity (called December) hits, but this
year that first window has closed. This
year my girlies won’t be making the fall trek back to Michigan, and in this I
am in every sense of the word thankful.
This does not mean, however, that momma still doesn’t need a little
break.
I know that I have mentioned CJ
(awesome couple friends) having recently moved to TN. What I may not have emphasized is that any
trip to see them starts with the most beautiful, easy, 3 and a half hour drive
to their house that you actually enjoy, where you can collect your thoughts as
you are sounded by the beautiful Tennessee mountains. And then there is the fact that CJ are such
gracious hosts-it’s like the most amazing Bed and Breakfast you could never
afford. Seriously. Fresh flowers in your room, artisanal chocolates
by your bedside, and fresh soaps from the farmers market in your private bath, all
of which are handmade in TN. And I have
not even mentioned J’s cooking (the J standing for Julia, as in Julia Child). But
all of that doesn’t matter as the most important aspect- the overwhelming love,
warmth and genuine kindred spirit you feel as soon as you walk in the
door. Whenever we are together you just
know it’s going to be a great time.
Yes, I think I will take some
of that. Stat.
So, much to their dismay I left
the Girlies behind for a weekend getaway to paradise. And on the first evening as the three of us
were walking the narrow streets of downtown Franklin, there seemed to be a
crowd gathering; trying to act conspicuous, but doing a really bad job of it, this
group of people all kept stealing glances across the street. Literally, it caused all three of us to stop
and do the same; heck, we didn’t want to miss it- even though we didn’t know what
“it” was. And then we realize what all
the commotion is about; over the local theater, the marquee was ablaze with a
level of awe-inspiring wattage lighting up the street below that said:
“Caitlin Chavez will you marry
me?”
And amid this group of
strangers that are clearly there to witness this personally public moment about
to happen for people they know, we found ourselves as part of the throws of
on-lookers.
We see the infamous couple a
few shops away making their way to the sign.
The guy was trying to point out something miscellaneous in the shop window
right before the theater, clearly looking to buy some time. I was 44 min past the hour, and I am certain
there had been an intricate plan in place including exact time and
location. And then, as they step into
the glow of the marquee lights, he is clearly saying some heartfelt words, and
then points up. She sees the marquee,
gasps, and you see her excitedly say yes.
There are cheers, which only increase as he gets down on his knee and
produces a ring. More cheers, friends
and family crossing the street to extend their congratulations, and you know
it’s one of those moments that will live forever in the hearts of these people.
And what I wanted to say was- Suck
it, Caitlin.
Ok, so not literally. I would never want to rob anyone of this
precious moment, and I was genuinely happy for them, but my heart has gone a
little cynical as of late and if I’m being honest that was my gut
reaction. Here I am, almost three years
post-divorce, and to be honest I just didn’t think that I would be this…… Single.
Ah, yes, the “S” word. You know what is so funny (as in the universe
laughing, and you no so much?) Is that I CLEARLY remember discussing life after divorce with the Wizard in Michigan, and her saying “You know, you could just
be single for the rest of your life.”
And me, scoffing at such a notion.
Scoffing I tell you! There is no
WAY I was going to end up…. Single! As
if it was a disease. (Did you hear what happened to her? You know- she’s single
(said in stressed whisper).
Now I have realized that Single
does not come with a scarlet S upon your chest.
Single does not have to equate to lonely. Single is truly- conscious or unconscious- a
choice. Your inner self knowing if you
are ready to be the partner you are supposed to be. An external self making it a point to be selective,
waiting for the entire package of Mr. Right, and not settling for Mr. Right now
as a convenience, a solution for the feeling of loneliness, which clearly still
shows up from time to time. The choice
of short term fix vs. lifetime fit.
Here’s the thing, and while I
knew it somewhere in my gut long before it ever came to light, for some it
still may be difficult to comprehend. I
got divorced for love. Yes- for
love. For the IDEA of love, and my faith
that there was more than what it was for me.
And just to clarify here, not that I didn’t love M- I did. Regardless of
what occurred, the reality is that I believe that Great Love is possible. Big Love.
Grand Love. The love that you know exists because while you know
countless couples, you can count on one hand the ones who got it right. You
know what I mean- not flowery, poetic love, or convenient, I-know-what-to-expect or better-than-the-alternative love, but after-22-years-they-are-still-my-best-friend-and-we-want-to-be-together love. It’s not that any
other type of love is bad, or less worthy, it’s just that it wasn’t right for
me. And somewhere I knew it, had Faith that it exists, and that it was worth losing
it all in order to find it. And that is
where I find myself. Literally and
figuratively.
So while my (impatient) cynical
heart would love to know that what I am looking for is just around the corner, let’s
face it, that’s just not the way these things work. But what Caitlin Chavez did show me is that
it IS possible. It DOES happen. And
maybe I just needed to see the marquee lights in order to be reminded.
