You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up

There is a husband and wife team, Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn,  who have written a book called “You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up:  A Love Story”  It is a hilarious and moving memoir all about their journey through 13 years of marriage, and the realizations of what life is vs. what you think it will be.

I have never met them, but I can tell you that I think they rock.  I want to hang out with them, share some red wine, and laugh as we both expound on the realities of life, because friends- these people are hysterical.

Some particularly thought-provoking snip-its from their book include:

·         The lower your expectations, the happier you will be

·         Dispel the myth of happily ever after- it’s just ever after

·         Getting married doesn’t solve problems, it only creates new ones

And my favorite…

·         Two people can be in the same place, at the same time, and have completely different marriages

Now yes, before you think my hopeless romantic heart has gone all cynical, I understand that these are tongue-in-cheek remarks, but let’s be honest- there is a significant grain of truth to be had here.

In looking back, I can see that I did hold my marriage responsible for solving a lot of issues.  I thought that it was to provide my happiness, security, and define what my life should be like.  I know now that I need to be happy with myself first, secure in who I truly am, and appreciate the value of what I personally bring to a relationship.  I believed that together we could get through anything that life threw at us, and for a lot of times, this was true.  But I think that I believed that we were able to do that because we were “together”, and not because of what both of us as individuals provided.  Most importantly, it is true that two people, in the same situation, in the same marriage, can be leading two parallel paths and not even realize it.  This is so far beyond not seeing a situation the same way- it is truly taking the day to day life of a marriage and crafting that into what you as an individual need in order to feel satisfied, happy; and sometimes this is not the same thing that your spouse has turned their life into.  It is two different marriages, held by two different people, outwardly viewed as one whole.  And there, my friends, is the cracked foundation that should be the cornerstone of your relationship.   It is impossible to grow a life on something that is essentially crumbling at the seams, especially if you choose to turn a blind eye to it. 

It seems that Annabelle and Jeff were able to use some of these real life truths to their advantage, and ultimately, strengthen their relationship as husband and wife.  I want to take their lead, and never forget to find the irony and humor in all relationships and everyday life, because sometimes you just need to say shut up.