Oh, young love, and all that it represents…..
After 20 years of being together, 13 years of marriage, 3 moves, 2 kids… I find myself with 1 divorce.
I have had to field the ultimate question- “What happened?”- so many times that I think it has become a neat little packaged speech, however I will not provide that here. Here will lay out a more detailed story, and while still a Cliff’s Notes version (no one has THAT much time on their hands for the entire saga) it will paint the picture pretty clearly.
M and I were high school sweethearts. We met and started dating at 15, and in every sense of the word grew up together. We went to separate colleges, which was good for us, but still visited each other on a consistent basis. We dated others during those years, but for many reasons found our way back to each other and got married. We were young, and we believed we wanted the same things. We knew- I mean, REALLY KNEW- each other, and were each other’s best friend. Naively, I thought that at the end of the day, we loved each other and that was enough. We had fun- whether it was the two of us alone or in group settings- and even though we were truly two different people, I always believed that it was the Yin and Yang scenario, and that it only complimented each other.
Fast forward 10 years.
Now, in our mid-thirties, we had changed. We had two amazing kids, and yes, while kids change everything, this was not the issue. We changed as individuals, and not in the same way. I had a job that required extensive travel, and X had for all intensive purposes a 9 – 5 role that was just his speed. I thought it worked, until it didn’t. But it was so much more than that… who we were didn’t mesh together the way it once had. I realized that our passion had become process; our “us” had become a “you or me” scenario. I went through a phase where I was just trying to figure out who I was, and what is was I really wanted out of life. M waited for me to make up my mind, all the while growing stronger roots into a life that I just didn’t see myself living. Ironically, we never stopped having fun, enjoying each other’s company. It was the charade of a marriage that we didn’t even realize we were living. The entire time I fought the idea of our marriage not working out every step of the way. I knew something was off; that this was not how it was supposed to be, and sought out anything I could in order to fix it. More time together, just the two of us. More time as a family. More time for ourselves, to realize our independence. Marriage counseling (multiple times) only to realize that the issue was not “us” but that each of us as individuals were no longer a match. M was content to sit by the sidelines as I worked to figured it out, and the lack of engagement made it that much more frustrating to me. We were roommates that had kids, and planned activities around that dynamic. One day I realized that this is what I was teaching my daughters a marriage was, and that was not acceptable to me. I wanted them to realize that a marriage was so much more than just two people that co-exist, and ultimately I realized that both M and I deserved better, too.
Making the decision to divorce was the most difficult thing I have ever done, however I have never been at such a level of peace with a decision in my life. M and I get along better than we have in years, because we no longer feel that pressure to be husband and wife, but we are now truly the good friends that we always were, and hopefully, always will be. We both realize that we deserve happiness- where ever that leads us. For me, this involves a move to Georgia with the girls, and a new life there. For M, he will stay here in Michigan, be supported by family and friends, and most importantly continue to be a great father- an active and important part in the girls’ lives. This does not mean that it is without sadness and pain, and hurt for those we love and care about. Nothing is ever perfect, and regardless of how well we get along now, it is a hard road to travel, but in the end we both know it’s the right thing to do.
So now, through this Blog, I will just try to figure out what life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is supposed to look life for a thirty-something woman who finds herself a single mom of two amazing girls and moving to the South. And, most importantly, finding the happy in this crazy adventure that is life.
After 20 years of being together, 13 years of marriage, 3 moves, 2 kids… I find myself with 1 divorce.
I have had to field the ultimate question- “What happened?”- so many times that I think it has become a neat little packaged speech, however I will not provide that here. Here will lay out a more detailed story, and while still a Cliff’s Notes version (no one has THAT much time on their hands for the entire saga) it will paint the picture pretty clearly.
M and I were high school sweethearts. We met and started dating at 15, and in every sense of the word grew up together. We went to separate colleges, which was good for us, but still visited each other on a consistent basis. We dated others during those years, but for many reasons found our way back to each other and got married. We were young, and we believed we wanted the same things. We knew- I mean, REALLY KNEW- each other, and were each other’s best friend. Naively, I thought that at the end of the day, we loved each other and that was enough. We had fun- whether it was the two of us alone or in group settings- and even though we were truly two different people, I always believed that it was the Yin and Yang scenario, and that it only complimented each other.
Fast forward 10 years.
Now, in our mid-thirties, we had changed. We had two amazing kids, and yes, while kids change everything, this was not the issue. We changed as individuals, and not in the same way. I had a job that required extensive travel, and X had for all intensive purposes a 9 – 5 role that was just his speed. I thought it worked, until it didn’t. But it was so much more than that… who we were didn’t mesh together the way it once had. I realized that our passion had become process; our “us” had become a “you or me” scenario. I went through a phase where I was just trying to figure out who I was, and what is was I really wanted out of life. M waited for me to make up my mind, all the while growing stronger roots into a life that I just didn’t see myself living. Ironically, we never stopped having fun, enjoying each other’s company. It was the charade of a marriage that we didn’t even realize we were living. The entire time I fought the idea of our marriage not working out every step of the way. I knew something was off; that this was not how it was supposed to be, and sought out anything I could in order to fix it. More time together, just the two of us. More time as a family. More time for ourselves, to realize our independence. Marriage counseling (multiple times) only to realize that the issue was not “us” but that each of us as individuals were no longer a match. M was content to sit by the sidelines as I worked to figured it out, and the lack of engagement made it that much more frustrating to me. We were roommates that had kids, and planned activities around that dynamic. One day I realized that this is what I was teaching my daughters a marriage was, and that was not acceptable to me. I wanted them to realize that a marriage was so much more than just two people that co-exist, and ultimately I realized that both M and I deserved better, too.
Making the decision to divorce was the most difficult thing I have ever done, however I have never been at such a level of peace with a decision in my life. M and I get along better than we have in years, because we no longer feel that pressure to be husband and wife, but we are now truly the good friends that we always were, and hopefully, always will be. We both realize that we deserve happiness- where ever that leads us. For me, this involves a move to Georgia with the girls, and a new life there. For M, he will stay here in Michigan, be supported by family and friends, and most importantly continue to be a great father- an active and important part in the girls’ lives. This does not mean that it is without sadness and pain, and hurt for those we love and care about. Nothing is ever perfect, and regardless of how well we get along now, it is a hard road to travel, but in the end we both know it’s the right thing to do.
So now, through this Blog, I will just try to figure out what life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is supposed to look life for a thirty-something woman who finds herself a single mom of two amazing girls and moving to the South. And, most importantly, finding the happy in this crazy adventure that is life.
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