Cleaning Out My Closet

It's almost 1:00 am, and I can't sleep.

So many thoughts swirling around in my head, so many emotions pulsing in my heart, re-living so many moments- good and bad- in the slide show that is my memory.

I never question that this is right.  I even think to myself, "If I knew then what I know now...", well, you might have been reading this a year ago. 

Regardless, I am where I am, which crazy enough, is right where I am meant to be.

I have never been one to hold onto a lot of "stuff".  I hate clutter, and prefer simple, clean lines.  My rules are simple- when in doubt, throw it out.  Generally, if I have not used something in the past 12 months, I get rid of it.  Clearly, I just didn't need it that bad if I have not found a use for it in the past year.  This has proven to be a true gift when the house you are moving to is much smaller, and has 1/9 the amount of storage space.  You are challenged with how badly do you really want that cupcake holder that you know was so cute in theory but you have never used because let's face it, you are a working mom and don't always have time to make personalized cupcakes for every birthday.  If you decide to keep it, you will have to find a place for it, and it will inevitably take the space that you could have put something else... say, the bread maker that you got as a wedding present (one of 4 by the way) because you are sure that now you will have time to make that organic whole grain with flax bread recipe. Sure I will. 

The exception for me is items with emotional ties.  You might have read my previous post where I mentioned that I still had the roses that M gave me for our Junior Prom- those pink sweetheart roses that became paper thin and brittle over time, but yep, still had them.  While moving, I came across other such items.  Some (really bad) teenager poems from my first real heartbreak, a letter my mom wrote to me in college, newspapers from 9/11, the rose baby blanket that we brought both girls home in. And these are just a few.  I kept thinking- what do I do with this stuff?  In the end, I did weed out some of it, but kept those items that really spoke to who I was in that moment, and, I thought, might help provide the girls some insight that mom really did experience some of the same things they might go through one day.


It's no coincidence that emotionally, I am doing the same "cleaning" in my life.  I am trying to think the same way- do I have room in my limited amount of storage space for this?  In doing so, I think I must be trying to prove to myself that I can successfully handle anything on my own without making any emotional attachments, because Hell, that is really painful right now. And by painful I mean that I long for these attachments, these "things", these relationships, but trying to be close to anyone- even friends- just makes things...cluttered... while I try to figure life out.  I'm finding that I have a lack of trust; in myself to be fair to these relationships, and also in not getting hurt by them.  And while I really liked the way this "stuff" looked in my life, I am questioning if they all fit with the new decor.  It certainly doesn't mean that I don't want to be a quasi-hoarder, wrap my arms around it all, and scream "Don't touch!"  But I am trying to be mature- lead with my head and not my heart. This goes against everything about me as a person- one who thrives on relationships and that personal connection- but again, trying to see through the clutter in the short term. I hope that one day these relationships will end up being the signature pieces in my life that I knew they would be all along, but who knows?  Maybe my decorating taste will change and I will suddenly want to go all Victorian and Antiquey.  Highly doubtful, but still.


And just in case you are wondering, there is a garage sale somewhere selling a really great cupcake stand and bread maker- both barely used and just waiting for a place to call home.