Love, Attachment or Both?

I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend that I have known for almost all of my life.  We don’t get together, or even talk for that matter, nearly as often as either one of us would like, but when we do it is easy and natural and honest- the way any good friendship that has stood the test of time would be.  She also happens to be one of my only friends that have experienced divorce.  It was great to talk to someone that has already been down this road and made her way to the other side. I so appreciated her opinion and view point, but most importantly her hindsight, in that you don’t realize how good it can be until you make that decision to choose a different life.  Inevitably through our conversation I think I said “I know you will understand what I mean when I say…” no less than three times.  And sure enough, she did.

While we talked about numerous things, the theme of relationships was clearly the main point of discussion.  Growing up my friend personally witnessed the entire courtship of M and I, so even though she knows the full story, we still discussed the details of “why” M and I ended up separating. Ironically, my friend and I both share a similar story of finding ourselves married to people that we realized we were no longer were compatible with, and even though we were in a legally committed relationship, we were alone. No partnership, not able to relate to one another, but instead two people living separate lives in the same house.  It was a key moment when both of us realized that this was what we were teaching our kids a marriage was, and hence a turning point that brought both of us to action.  She said it best by summarizing it as “Never an easy choice, but the right choice.”

So now the choice is made, and I know it’s the right one.  But I still find myself struggling with the question of “Why was it so hard for me to make the decision I knew was right in my head, but was so hard for me to get right in my heart?”   

I recently came across an interesting article that really hit at the heart of the matter (no pun intended) and maybe… possibly… will help me make sense of it all.

Apparently, it’s all about the combination of love and attachment in a relationship.  

Relationships are often governed by competing emotions, and it is understanding the difference between "being in love" and "attachment” that can help navigate through some of the difficulties we face when relationships don’t turn out to be what we expect.

The article defines love as a strong emotion that involves passion and desire – a need to be physically and emotionally intimate with another person.  Love is designed to bring people together, let them feel connected to one another in a way that is deep and meaningful.  These emotions connect people on a deeper level where they feel they understand the other person in such a way that no one else does, hence when love is lost we experience a true feeling of emptiness and loneliness; the person that filled us with such strong emotion and care is now gone.  

Attachment, on the other hand, is the sense of security, stability and comfort which people derive from their relationships.  Attachment is derived from patterns of behavior, sharing a history together, and knowing what to expect from your spouse.  Even if it is a negative response, we become conditioned to accept this behavior and in a way it almost becomes comforting to us because it meets our expectations.  Attachment bonds link people together even when love is missing.  It’s because we form these attachments to one another that, when relationships come to an end, people suffer a sense of loss to one's sense of security and stability. As such, the loss of an attachment partner can be a significant experience in your life as well.

Ironically, love and attachment do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. It is possible to have an attachment to someone even if there is no love.  But this article explained how when you have the combination of these two elements- love and attachment- it is, of course, the most powerful connection between two people, and hence the most devastating when it’s over. 

So basically, when you lose the one that you feel a strong passion and desire to be with, has a deep level of understanding of who you are as a person as well as a partner, and also provides comfort and stability in your life, it pretty much sucks. 

I will say that talking with my friend helped, and not just because she is a great listener, but because she is also a true inspiration.  She is now happily married to a great guy, and when you see them together it is obvious that she and her husband have both an amazing love and strong attachment for each other.  There was a long period in my life where I was not sure that type of relationship even existed.  Now, among other things, witnessing their relationship just proves that not only is it possible, it’s something worth fighting for.