In Her Shoes

Everyone has their favorite room in their house.  It could be the place where you have your favorite chair, or created a tranquil space all your own where every Sunday you read the paper.  It could be due to the color scheme, or that it is typically alive with the energy of the family, or maybe you like the way the light shines into the space during the early morning hours.  I love certain places in my house for all of these reasons and more, but there is a place that truly expresses who I am-

My closet.

OK- more specifically, the shoes in my closet.

I am not even embarrassed to admit this.  Anyone that knows me knows that I love shoes- they are the icing to any outfit, and can take you from dull to daring in 3.2 seconds.  But if you were ever to come over and stand in front of my collection of shoes all lined up in a row, there is something else that you would see if you just look a little closer… all of the facets of myself that these shoes represent.

I love how my career shoes are all together (organized by color and then style, of course).  Their long heels hanging over the edge, just looking intimidating and powerful.  Move down a little more and you will see a nice collection of high heel sandals and wedges, dressy and fun, just waiting for the right evening out.  Then we will move onto pairs that are a little more practical- the lower heels, and the many, many pair of flip flops.  Fast.  Efficient.  Low maintenance.  They cover my feet in a flash for when I am ready to be on the go.  Eventually, you will come to the last section, which is functional.  Here rests my running shoes, outdoor work shoes, and hiking boots.  And yes, the one pair of snow boots that I diligently hung on to- just in case.

The point of this is, like so many women, I have many facets of who I am as an individual.  Who I am in one situation may change as to who I need to be in the next, but all of these characteristics never go away- I just pull them off the shelf as needed to help carry me through the moment.

So in this I find a very interesting quandary; if we, as women, acknowledge that we are all complex creatures, and can share a love for something as simple as shoes, then why are we so judgmental and hard on each other?

This has really been on my mind over the past few weeks.  Personally, I struggle with the feeling of being judged- I will admit that I am sensitive to it, and feel that I am probably more than actually happens.   Take in point an incident that occurred a few weeks ago.  I was stranded in the O’hare airport due to delayed flight (over 5 hours delayed, but that is another story).  It was challenging enough to try to reschedule conference calls and due dates that I would miss due to being mid-air when I thought I would have been long since home, but the real challenge was trying to arrange child care for my girls.  I thought I would be the one to get them off the bus and where they needed to be that evening, but as sometimes happens, life got in the way of my well laid out plans.  After multiple frantic calls to family, I thought I had it figured out.  When I landed, I called my mom, and the line went to voice mail.  I then called my dad, who picked up the phone and said he was at Church.  He was the one who was supposed to have my kids.   I immediately imagine them stranded, all alone.  I took a quick inventory and suddenly I was the crazy woman screaming into the phone “WHO HAS MY KIDS!?!?!”

Oh…. The looks I had from the other women around me.  I am sure the thoughts of “What kind of mother doesn’t even know who has her kids?” flashed as fast as lightening in a summer storm through their minds.  Or maybe it didn’t, because it was too busy going through my own mind. 

 But even if it didn’t happen, we all know that it does happen, and we women tend to be the guilty party.  In the end my situation was a simple misunderstanding and everyone was safe and sound, but the bystanders never see that side of the story.

Here’s the ironic thing- we, as women, know that we all struggle.  We struggle to be everything to everyone, to find time, to find balance, to find ourselves.  We expect perfection from ourselves and certainly from others, and are disappointed when this unrealistic expectation can’t be met.  We should be the community that lifts each other up, and instead we are the first ones to cut each other down.   I think this is one reason why we are so fiercely loyal to our friends, and rely on them so heavily for support.  We know that we will never have to worry about that with these comrades, we will have each other’s back in any battle big or small.  In this group we are not working against each other, but instead come together as a band of sisters that are there for each other, no matter what.

I saw a facebook posting the other day from a mom who was commenting about other girls being cruel to her young daughter.  It was not the first time I saw something like this, and I am certain it will not be the last.  It is heartbreaking to have an outward reminder that this behavior starts so young, and realize that this girl will one day be the woman trying to undermine another female co-worker, make the flash judgment of the mom with the screaming child in the grocery store, or perhaps the crazy lady in the airport. 

I would never say that I am not guilty of this, but I do think that I have gotten better over the years to realize that there is no one way to do something, but I do the best I can with my way.   I would be the first to admit that my way is not right for everyone, just as your way may not be right for me.  But I have committed that before I make that judgment of another woman, before I snap to thinking about how she is doing it all wrong, I will take a step back, and think about her shoes, and all the other ones she inevitably has at home.  I will take a moment to realize that maybe today just isn’t her day, and this is the best she has in this moment, and most importantly, that I myself have been there.