Lessons in Motherhood

While cleaning out my home office I came across some documents I had clearly meant to hang onto but lost track of their existence.  A few pictures from college days gone by (who thought Toga parties were a good idea? Sheets are clearly never an attractive look), cards from special occasions, letters I had written, etc.  Among the collection was a note I had written to some girlfriends as they were getting ready to have their first child.  GG at the time must have been around 2, and the transformation of going from partner to parent was something that was clearly uncharted territory for so many of us.  Given all of that uncertainty, I had wanted to capture some words of reassurance that yes, everything you are experiencing and feeling is all normal.  Entering Motherhood is kind of like this secret sorority where you want to convey that the initiation process is life changing (ok, really more like the worst form of hazing imaginable) but worth it in the end.  Some amazing women at my office (you know who you are) were experiencing this same transformation with welcoming their first little ones into the world, and I thought about giving them a copy of the letter, but as I read it I had some different perspectives now that 13 years have gone by.  Instead, I decided to capture both here, for all parents.   My initial thoughts are first, added commentary second…

Now that you are a Mom….

 

It's OK that babies don't come with a set of instructions, and you might second guess every decision you make. 

 

You should know that this never changes.  There is something new to figure out at every stage, at every age, and with every kid.  Oh, and it tends to get more difficult when they starting having something called “opinions of their own and ability to make decisions” because they often conflict with your own.  Learn to suck it up now.   

 

It's OK that that now all your priorities change.

This was kind of a lie.  As in, the lies we tell ourselves to make up for the fact that I no longer feel that shaving my legs is a priority.   I've learned the importance of continuing to put yourself on the top part of the important list, and that doesn’t make you selfish.  It only makes you a better mom.

 

It's OK that sometimes you will laugh and cry, and not always know why. 

Oh yeah, that never changes, and after a while you really can’t blame the baby anymore.  I suggest getting a list of ideas at the ready for such moments…  such as its Tuesday.

 

It's OK that sometimes you might have to leave your screaming child safely in another room while you walk away and count to 10, just because you need a break. 

This is a good lesson.  I have learned this also works with screaming husbands, clients and employees.

 

It's OK that you may feel that you are losing a sense of who you are, as long as you never really do. 

So,  I’ve learned that really you do loose who you are- or more accurately, who you were.  You are always growing and changing, and just becoming who you were meant to be.  Along the way you just can’t lose the fun chick who is still willing to dance all night in shoes that are not mommy shoes regardless of the fact that they make your feet hurt because they look damn hot and knows she can still get hit on regardless of some well concealed stretch marks. Just know that after a night on the town if you should happen to wake up the next morning and are still feeling the night before this takes on a whole new challenge with kids. 

 

It's OK that when you first get home from the hospital, that for the first few days taking a shower is a big accomplishment. 

This can actually apply to any life situation, again, such as a Tuesday.  Change is hard, but it remains the one constant in life.   Sometimes, in the midst of it all, you need to cut yourself some slack for accomplishing even some of the simplest tasks.

 

It's OK that everyone will give you advice, and you listen to what your heart tells you. 

Regardless of the situation- True.

 

It's OK that you go to work and you find spit-up on your shoulder, and it doesn't faze you. 

This continues with forgotten lunches, last minute requests for science project supplies, frantic calls about missing the bus, etc.  It’s crazy how much you learn to take in stride.

 

It's OK to ask for help, and to take it when it is offered.

“I just looked, and yep, no giant S on my shirt so quite trying to be Superwoman”  every woman should say to herself every. single. day. 

 

It's OK to want things done a certain way because you are the mommy. 

I've learned to let things go.  No- really.  Ask my mother-in-law about the binder of instructions the first time they watched GG as a baby.  The pages were laminated.  I'm not kidding.  I have come a long way.

 

It's OK that you will find yourself saying and doing things to your child that your parent did to you, and you swore you would never repeat. 

Trust me, just start saving for the therapy now, because there is no avoiding this one. There is a part of you that will become your parents.

 

It's OK that now you can run on half the amount of sleep, and do twice as much. 

Hate to tell you, you probably won’t get a good night's sleep for at least the next 20 years. Invest in some strong coffee and quality eye cream -stat.  

 

It's OK to feel that the love for your child is almost overwhelming. 

Now, this one does change.  Hard to believe knowing how much you love them as those cute bundles of joy and think every smile and milestone the kid makes is next to sheer genius,  but this only continues to grow.  Grow so much that it takes over your heart.  Grow so much as they become who they are supposed to be, ask inquisitive questions, test the rules and frustrate you for remembering that the older one got a new bike at 10 and yet can’t remember to change her socks or brush her teeth.  That they start to have opinions and preferences all their own, and grow into these small adults that you can have real, meaningful conversations with.  And they drive you crazy, and it can be overwhelming, but at some point you quickly realize that you have them for only this short window of time, and then they are grown and an their own, so then suddenly the challenges just don’t seem to matter as much. 

 

And with that in mind, this is a new one I would add…

It OK to want to have them stay little for just a bit longer, because the time goes by faster than you can ever imagine.