To Everything… Turn, Turn , Turn….

Whether you happen to be in a situation such as myself (find that your life has drastically changed) or not (things seem to be just humming along) I think that a lot of people my age (especially women) seem to be asking themselves those infamous life questions- Who am I?  What am I really doing with my life?  Is this IT? 

I think that this is, of course, a big part of the reason why there happens to be a lot of mid-life “crisis” and/ or divorce for people as they approach the big 4-0 mark.  It’s a milestone, a significant place mark- OMG, I am 40- half my life has passed me by and I can’t believe this is where I am at (and by the way, 40 USED to seem old, now I would like to consider that the starting gate, ok?)

I think that it’s natural, and a good thing, that while I am at this stage in my life I really try to do some introspection and face some of those life questions. Let’s face it, no one is who they are when they were 22 (and thank God for that). 15+ years of life lessons and experiences changes a person.  But what happens when those life lessons and experiences change a person to a point that they are no longer compatible with their spouse?

I have been thinking about this, and I came across and article such article titled “Why Marriages End (it’s not what you think)”.  It was a detailed explanation of what the author, Diana Mercer, calls Turning.  Through her research, Diana found divorce occurs mainly when two people, for whatever reason, have Turned from one another and looked for satisfaction outside of the marriage.   The premise is that marriages fall apart through erosion, and not necessarily because of one major incident such as affairs or money.  The relationship that met your needs that were important to you when you first met are not the same needs that you have now, and things begin to slip. The breakdown starts slowly and proceeds with one tiny misstep after another, until the sum of these become so large that the relationship collapses.  It starts when one or both spouses realize they are not getting a need met by the marriage.  She states that the nature of the need is not important, just the fact that it’s not met.  This causes the spouse to have this need filled by something outside of the marriage, and often it is something innocuous or even something positive.  It can be work (um, hello?  Are you hearing me, self?  They said work.  Just checking.), going back to school, individual hobbies, focus on the kids, physical fitness, etc. but whatever it is, it’s Turning just the same.  To me this is more than just doing something for yourself; it’s making this the focus of your life.  Everyone should have the opportunity to get their MBA, but are you doing that to avoid the unsaid truth that you are no longer compatible with your spouse?

Turning, she says, happens, and it is nobody’s fault; put simply it’s because you are no longer who you used to be.  I compare it to the water erosion over time that eventually became the Grand Canyon; it is that same consequence of time and change that creates a gap- The Great Divide- in a marriage.  An important point that Diana makes is that while you’re in a relationship that is experiencing Turning, it’s difficult or even impossible to see.  Only when you take an outside perspective and are honest with who you are now and how that fits into your current relationship are you able to see it.  I think it’s only when you are out of the relationship does it become fully apparent.

All of this makes me pause and think to myself, so how do couples prevent Turning?  We never stop growing and changing as individuals, but yet many relationships make it successfully through life’s ebbs and flows.  How does that work?  My initial thought is that you have to have a likeminded and solid foundation in your marriage, and more than what you thought you needed at 22.  From there, communication and alignment on seeing the same path for your future together- as one- is key.  Not two separate paths that occasionally intersect.  All of this, for me, equates to that elusive partnership that I will admit makes me a little jealous when I see it in other couples I know.  But in the end, even with all this in place, there is still a small amount of chance, mixed with a pinch of circumstance and understanding, surrounded by a whole lot of love for a relationship to survive.  Because if not, what it turns into is not what you bargained for.