Thank You For Being A Friend

Lately, the reality that the man I have known since the age of 15, married to for 13 years and have two children with has never even seen where I live has seemed a little surreal. 

To think that this person that has so much significance in our lives has no idea what our day to day looks like… well- to be honest, it has had me feeling a little bit sad. 

I have lived here for six months, and we have now established some roots.  I know where items are located on the grocery store shelves. The girls love their school.  GG is in soccer.  Belle is in tennis.  They have a good connection with the neighborhood kids, and are making friends with other kids in their classes.  They are starting to accept Georgia as home, and Michigan as a place where they are from.

And through it all, M has no idea what this “looks” like.

It’s not that I am looking for his (or anyone’s) approval.  There is this sense of liberation that surrounds me when I realize that along with the challenges, the reality is that this is my house, and I make the decisions that go along with that ownership.  So no, you don’t have to like my decor, the gray paint that will someday be on the walls, or the white sectional.  All you have to do is realize that these are my decisions, and I own them.

But all of that changed over Labor Day weekend.  M and his parents (or, more specifically, my ex-husband and now ex- in-laws) came to Georgia to visit.

And overall, I have to say it was great.

It’s not that there wasn’t anxiety over this.  To have the man that used to be my husband now coming as a visitor was weird, for sure.  But putting ourselves to the side, we both knew how important it was to make it un-weird for the girls’ sake.  One big happy broken family, right?

Yep- that about sums it up.

Friday, the girls and I went to pick M up at the airport.  They were so excited I could barely get the car in park before they threw open the door and ran out to meet him.   It was evident how much they missed him.  I sat patiently in the car- this was their moment to reconnect.  But after they all piled back in, it was as comfortable as could be.

We arrived at the house, and giving M the home tour was again, surreal (maybe it should be some sort of game on how many times I can use the word “surreal” in this post.)    And to answer your next question, yes, he stayed at the house.  M and I have had this unsaid agreement since the moment the word “divorce” was uttered- it’s no longer about us, it’s all about the kids.  And that has remained true every moment since. With that in mind, I would have hated for him to waste any amount of time traveling back and forth to a hotel, missing the early morning schmuggle time, or being there to kiss the girls goodnight.  So yes, the play room became his home away from home for the weekend.

The next day was the family birthday party we had for the girls.  We do this every year as the girls birthdays are only 7 weeks apart.  All morning we were working together to get the house ready; I was cooking in the kitchen, M helped clean up. I wrapped the girls gifts, M went out for ice and beer.  After he returned, M poured us both a cold beverage and we sat and watched the first part of the Michigan game.  It was so relaxed, so comfortable, it could have been any Saturday in our house years ago….

But it wasn’t.

Soon after, M’s parents arrived.  They had made the drive from Michigan to help celebrate the girls’ birthday.  Yes, it was tense at first, but soon we all relaxed a little and easily fell into our rhythm.  Not long after the rest of the family came over- Italian dinner for 12 in my little house.  Through it all, M and I kept sneaking glances at each other during the party; the unsaid conversation going on with each look, the inside jokes, the sarcastic remarks that we knew each other was making internally…  the love we both felt for each of our girls as we watched them open gifts and blow out the candles on their birthday cake.  Divorce does not take any of that away- not unless you let it.

The rest of the weekend went pretty much the same way.  M and I feel into that easy rhythm that we have when we are together.  He made coffee first thing in the morning, and had my cup ready before I got out of bed.  I made him lunch before he even asked for it.  We parented the kids together.  And the reality is- I really missed it.  I missed having someone else there to help. I missed that easy, comfortable feeling of hanging out on the couch after the kids have gone to bed- sharing some wine, and making witty commentary about a favorite program on TV.

The beauty of our relationship is that both M and I admitted that we missed this- but in that same breath realize that doesn’t mean that we were meant to be married.  Being comfortable and easy does not make a marriage;  there needs to be that spark, that passion… the sharing of same interests and desires, the acceptance of who each of you are as individuals that creates the foundation and helps drive a marriage.  Once upon a time we used to be that, but no longer. Staying married only prohibits us from finding that again with the person that we are truly meant to be with.  M is- and always will be- one of my best friends.  He knows me, all of me, in a way that really no one else does.   He cheered me on from the sidelines during my 5k Saturday and afterward said how proud he was of me.  He remains my voice of reason when I feel things are getting out of control.  He has been supportive of my career when other men would have been intimidated by a woman with professional aspirations.  And while it may be hard to understand, through it all this doesn’t make him my husband.

This makes him my friend.

And for that, I will always be thankful.

Sponge Worthy

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine, given the knowledge that the Today Sponge was going off the market, purchased every surplus she could get her hands on to create her personal stockpile?  She then proceeded to quiz any man she dated to determine if he was "Sponge Worthy"; using up her precious resources, he had better be pretty damn good in order to deplete her stockpile, else someone better could come along who would have been MORE sponge worthy, and then she would be pissed off that she used the goods on a lesser person?

Yeah, my social life is kinda like that.

Let me first and foremost establish that I am certainly not talking about the sponge, or "it" for that matter, but I am referencing much more precious recourses- time and money.

In an effort to break the vicious cycle of the "to do" syndrome (please see previous post), or more accurately, wanting to experience this fabulous city I now call home, I have joined some singles groups in an effort to meet like minded people my age.  And by like minded, I mean not crazy, obsessive, normal people that like good food and a few beers.  But how do you determine someone isn't crazy until you take the time to meet them in person?

Here in lays the problem.

How do you determine when something is Sponge Worthy? 

I think I have done a good job so far to determine the cost to outcome ratio on a night out.  Does it involve larger groups of people (aka- more people to sort through in hopes of finding the normal ones).  Do I already have things in common with them (there is a much higher relateability factor with the Professional Singles group than any "Hot Chick In ATL"ish group.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still a hot chick, but I don't want to be next to someone who could be using a fake I.D. Or mistake me for their mom). Most importantly, what is the possibility of success (success being defined as someone - male or female- that I would establish a friendship with).  All of this is combated with those ever precious resources- time and money.  How long am I going to be gone for?  Have you SEEN the cost of some babysitters these days?  I am clearly doing it all wrong, let me tell you.  Suck it college degree- I am starting my very own Babysitters Club.  Anyway, there is that, combined with will I have to ship the girls off for the night (they already have to spend nights away from home when I travel, and all I really want is for them to fall asleep in their own beds, despite their begging at the idea of a glorious sleep over where they can sleep in the next day).  Then there is the comparison of if this event is worth the one or two nights out a week that all these factors combined I typically allow myself (that is, if I am not traveling that week.  Then it's pretty much 0).  And don't go judging- one night for me to look hot and talk to other adults is not a lot to ask in my book.  I am supposedly supposed to be living some fabulous singles life, or so I have been told. 

Anyway, I have established some criteria that on the flow chart, er, I mean 'hypothetically", makes the decision fairly clear on when it's worth it to give up the goods.  And of course, a night out with girlfriends trumps everything else. 

So until my next evening out (please stand by for a future post, because believe me, it could be a good one) I will be here, trying to hold onto my resources tight enough to make any one featured on "Hoarders" proud.

Love, Attachment or Both?

I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend that I have known for almost all of my life.  We don’t get together, or even talk for that matter, nearly as often as either one of us would like, but when we do it is easy and natural and honest- the way any good friendship that has stood the test of time would be.  She also happens to be one of my only friends that have experienced divorce.  It was great to talk to someone that has already been down this road and made her way to the other side. I so appreciated her opinion and view point, but most importantly her hindsight, in that you don’t realize how good it can be until you make that decision to choose a different life.  Inevitably through our conversation I think I said “I know you will understand what I mean when I say…” no less than three times.  And sure enough, she did.

While we talked about numerous things, the theme of relationships was clearly the main point of discussion.  Growing up my friend personally witnessed the entire courtship of M and I, so even though she knows the full story, we still discussed the details of “why” M and I ended up separating. Ironically, my friend and I both share a similar story of finding ourselves married to people that we realized we were no longer were compatible with, and even though we were in a legally committed relationship, we were alone. No partnership, not able to relate to one another, but instead two people living separate lives in the same house.  It was a key moment when both of us realized that this was what we were teaching our kids a marriage was, and hence a turning point that brought both of us to action.  She said it best by summarizing it as “Never an easy choice, but the right choice.”

So now the choice is made, and I know it’s the right one.  But I still find myself struggling with the question of “Why was it so hard for me to make the decision I knew was right in my head, but was so hard for me to get right in my heart?”   

I recently came across an interesting article that really hit at the heart of the matter (no pun intended) and maybe… possibly… will help me make sense of it all.

Apparently, it’s all about the combination of love and attachment in a relationship.  

Relationships are often governed by competing emotions, and it is understanding the difference between "being in love" and "attachment” that can help navigate through some of the difficulties we face when relationships don’t turn out to be what we expect.

The article defines love as a strong emotion that involves passion and desire – a need to be physically and emotionally intimate with another person.  Love is designed to bring people together, let them feel connected to one another in a way that is deep and meaningful.  These emotions connect people on a deeper level where they feel they understand the other person in such a way that no one else does, hence when love is lost we experience a true feeling of emptiness and loneliness; the person that filled us with such strong emotion and care is now gone.  

Attachment, on the other hand, is the sense of security, stability and comfort which people derive from their relationships.  Attachment is derived from patterns of behavior, sharing a history together, and knowing what to expect from your spouse.  Even if it is a negative response, we become conditioned to accept this behavior and in a way it almost becomes comforting to us because it meets our expectations.  Attachment bonds link people together even when love is missing.  It’s because we form these attachments to one another that, when relationships come to an end, people suffer a sense of loss to one's sense of security and stability. As such, the loss of an attachment partner can be a significant experience in your life as well.

Ironically, love and attachment do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. It is possible to have an attachment to someone even if there is no love.  But this article explained how when you have the combination of these two elements- love and attachment- it is, of course, the most powerful connection between two people, and hence the most devastating when it’s over. 

So basically, when you lose the one that you feel a strong passion and desire to be with, has a deep level of understanding of who you are as a person as well as a partner, and also provides comfort and stability in your life, it pretty much sucks. 

I will say that talking with my friend helped, and not just because she is a great listener, but because she is also a true inspiration.  She is now happily married to a great guy, and when you see them together it is obvious that she and her husband have both an amazing love and strong attachment for each other.  There was a long period in my life where I was not sure that type of relationship even existed.  Now, among other things, witnessing their relationship just proves that not only is it possible, it’s something worth fighting for.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Put Your Tray Tables In Their Upright Position....

It has been one week since the big move. One week that I have been on my own.  One week of finding our way and trying to determine what this is going to look like.  There have been some great highs, such as hearing the girls laughter fill up the house, or both sleeping so soundly from playing hard all day. There have also been some difficult lows; hearing how much they miss Michigan and everything that goes along with that, or random spurts of crying- take your pick from any of us at any given moment. 

But I am not going to lie.

I am a little sick of myself.

This behavior is SO not me- I am the positive one, yes we can, I can accomplish anything type of girl.  It is the difference between the glass half full and where the hell is the rest of my drink?  It is the difference between Eeyore and Tigger (and Tiggers are wonderful things). It is the difference between greeting each day as an opportunity to accomplish something great vs. gotta make the donuts. Well, you get the picture….

OK, so perhaps I should cut myself some slack- I did just end a relationship, move 4 states away with two kids and a dog, and left all I have known my entire life behind.  But to me these circumstances are just excuses.  And I can’t stand excuses.  My mind thinks, “This is what'cha got girl- make it happen!”  THAT is how I live- look at a situation and face it head on. 

So, what is the solution?

Put on your oxygen mask.

Let’s face it- I fly a lot; so much so that I could personally recite the Flight Attendant safety demonstration.  During their little speech, your friendly flight attendant will explicitly tell you in the event of an emergency or loss of cabin pressure a yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. Breathe normally.

Got it.

So now, my yellow oxygen mask consists of connecting with college friends in the area, other co-workers, neighbors that I look forward to getting to know better and other neighbors I haven’t met yet.  Joining Atlanta PCW (Professional Career Women), 35UP!, Corporate Cocktail Weekly, and of course, Hockey Night in Atlanta.  It also means not skipping my workouts- following the 5k training program because it’s something that I want to prove to myself.  Being the best mom I can be, and not sweating the small stuff.  Finding a really good Yoga class. Making plans for my best friend to fly into town for a much needed girls weekend. Visiting my local farmers market.  Cooking a real dinner for me and the girls- every night. Still listening to music regardless of the memories.  Putting on my pretty little sun dresses with sassy shoes and a cute pedicure- just because. Laughing.  Remembering to exhale.

And you know what?  It does make me feel happier, and therefore the girls are happier.  We laugh, joke, and have fun, even though there is still a layer of sadness underneath the veil of sunshine.  I realized that who I am never really went away; I just lost sight of her for a while. My outlook on life is what drives me; it doesn’t have to be challenging or difficult just because it doesn’t fit into what I think it should be right now.  The reality is that it is exactly what it’s supposed to be right now. 

And even though it is still hard, and I am sad and missing what- and who- I have lost, I remind myself of everything that I still have- the love of two amazing kids, family and friends who support me, and a vast amount of potential and opportunity before me.  How lucky am I? 

So, does that mean that I have it all figured out?  That I have shed my last tear? Heck no!  But as I have told myself every morning when I wake up, I am one baby step closer to finding my way.  And yes, I realize that the plane hasn’t even left the tarmac yet.

Oh, and one last reminder...

Please make sure your seat belt is securely fastened at all times.

There is sure to be some turbulence along this flight.

To Everything… Turn, Turn , Turn….

Whether you happen to be in a situation such as myself (find that your life has drastically changed) or not (things seem to be just humming along) I think that a lot of people my age (especially women) seem to be asking themselves those infamous life questions- Who am I?  What am I really doing with my life?  Is this IT? 

I think that this is, of course, a big part of the reason why there happens to be a lot of mid-life “crisis” and/ or divorce for people as they approach the big 4-0 mark.  It’s a milestone, a significant place mark- OMG, I am 40- half my life has passed me by and I can’t believe this is where I am at (and by the way, 40 USED to seem old, now I would like to consider that the starting gate, ok?)

I think that it’s natural, and a good thing, that while I am at this stage in my life I really try to do some introspection and face some of those life questions. Let’s face it, no one is who they are when they were 22 (and thank God for that). 15+ years of life lessons and experiences changes a person.  But what happens when those life lessons and experiences change a person to a point that they are no longer compatible with their spouse?

I have been thinking about this, and I came across and article such article titled “Why Marriages End (it’s not what you think)”.  It was a detailed explanation of what the author, Diana Mercer, calls Turning.  Through her research, Diana found divorce occurs mainly when two people, for whatever reason, have Turned from one another and looked for satisfaction outside of the marriage.   The premise is that marriages fall apart through erosion, and not necessarily because of one major incident such as affairs or money.  The relationship that met your needs that were important to you when you first met are not the same needs that you have now, and things begin to slip. The breakdown starts slowly and proceeds with one tiny misstep after another, until the sum of these become so large that the relationship collapses.  It starts when one or both spouses realize they are not getting a need met by the marriage.  She states that the nature of the need is not important, just the fact that it’s not met.  This causes the spouse to have this need filled by something outside of the marriage, and often it is something innocuous or even something positive.  It can be work (um, hello?  Are you hearing me, self?  They said work.  Just checking.), going back to school, individual hobbies, focus on the kids, physical fitness, etc. but whatever it is, it’s Turning just the same.  To me this is more than just doing something for yourself; it’s making this the focus of your life.  Everyone should have the opportunity to get their MBA, but are you doing that to avoid the unsaid truth that you are no longer compatible with your spouse?

Turning, she says, happens, and it is nobody’s fault; put simply it’s because you are no longer who you used to be.  I compare it to the water erosion over time that eventually became the Grand Canyon; it is that same consequence of time and change that creates a gap- The Great Divide- in a marriage.  An important point that Diana makes is that while you’re in a relationship that is experiencing Turning, it’s difficult or even impossible to see.  Only when you take an outside perspective and are honest with who you are now and how that fits into your current relationship are you able to see it.  I think it’s only when you are out of the relationship does it become fully apparent.

All of this makes me pause and think to myself, so how do couples prevent Turning?  We never stop growing and changing as individuals, but yet many relationships make it successfully through life’s ebbs and flows.  How does that work?  My initial thought is that you have to have a likeminded and solid foundation in your marriage, and more than what you thought you needed at 22.  From there, communication and alignment on seeing the same path for your future together- as one- is key.  Not two separate paths that occasionally intersect.  All of this, for me, equates to that elusive partnership that I will admit makes me a little jealous when I see it in other couples I know.  But in the end, even with all this in place, there is still a small amount of chance, mixed with a pinch of circumstance and understanding, surrounded by a whole lot of love for a relationship to survive.  Because if not, what it turns into is not what you bargained for.

Mr.(s) Wizards World

Do you remember the somewhat campy TV show called Mr. Wizard’s World?

“Mr. Wizard” (aka Don Herbert in real life) produced and starred in the Nationally Televised show than ran for 15 years covering topics from Astrology to Zoology.  His ability to really capture the minds of people at any age, especially young closet science freaks such as myself (proud member of Science Olympiad and 3 time attendee to Space Camp talking here) is something I find so intriguing.  He was able to take fairly complex “stuff” and make it interesting… dare I say fun… to the point where you wanted to learn more.  Furthermore, it was as if your Grandpa was sitting there doing your science project with you. OK, your cool Grandpa, but still, no flashing lights, pulsing music, crazy graphics or extensive marketing campaigns; just the facts.  For me, the point was that Mr. Wizard really drove fairly complex concepts and theories down to the basic level where it made you say, “Yeah, I get that”. 

So what’s the moral of this story?  It’s that everyone, at some point in their life, needs a Wizard.

I wish that I could take credit for the term “Wizard”; however I admit I totally stole it from a friend.  Either way, I use it all the time even if I didn’t create the term.  In the end, the name doesn’t matter; call it what you want- counselor, therapist, shrink, head doctor- who cares?  (Insert gasp here) Oh- I went to the taboo place, didn’t I?  It’s the Person-Who-Must-Not-Be Named…. Oh, but I went there anyway.  Now, for those of you who are saying “I would never need to go talk to someone about XXX” OMG- get over yourself.  We are all f’d up in some way, shape or form, and isn’t life all being the best you can be and enjoying every moment?  Besides, you don’t know what you’re missing!

First, a Wizard is so much more than going for Girls Night Out and commiserating with others about “how can you not see the 1,528 things that need to be done around the house as you are playing Black Ops- AGAIN?” kind of thing.   Venting to friends, for both men and women, is priceless; but at the end of the day, it is what it is- a conversation that leaves you knowing you are not the only one that can’t stand picking up dirty socks of the bathroom floor for the millionth time, but not necessarily something that leaves you a better person.

Finding the right Wizard is not an easy task- trust me, we went through 3 other less than magical folks before we found the current Wizard, but in the end it was all worth it.  Previous encounters included a lot of self analysis, test taking, and discussion around the man/woman dynamic- that is so not what I am talking about.  It is about you being able to really discuss what is going on in that little head of yours- confessions, past hurt or scars, dreams and aspirations- and how all of this mashed up together makes you  into who you are today.  But the best part is, when you are able to identify some of the  ... um.. roadblocks shall we say?... that are in your way to happiness, a good Wizard is able to break down all of that “stuff” and lead you to a point where you are like “Yeah, I get it…”  You realize that it doesn’t have to be complicated, and that honestly, you knew these self discoveries all along, you just needed someone to help you understand what they meant.  No flashing lights, pulsing music, crazy graphics or self-help books needed.   

Working with a Wizard does not have to be a long term science project or result in a Masters in Biochemistry; maybe it’s just a refresher course that helps you remember what you need to, or expand on a theory that you totally got the basics on, but now want the AP version.  Either way, I encourage you to be open to the Wizarding World and all it has to offer… the results can be magical.

The Last Hurrah

Just like so many families, we have had so much going on in our day to day life,  but combine this with my crazy travel schedule as of late (professional and personal) and all of us dealing with the emotions of the divorce, I really wanted to spend some quality time with the girls.  For their mid-winter break, I wanted to go away, someplace close and pretty easy to manage, and Frankenmuth seemed like the perfect answer.  It is called Michigan’s “Little Bavaria” and as anyone from Michigan knows, it's famous for its great chicken dinners and a wide array of German beers.  That, combined with hotels that offer multiple indoor pools, slides, arcades, and general “kid” fun, and I was in.  But there inlaid the problem- I didn’t want to take the girls by myself.  Not that I couldn’t handle it, or that I didn’t want one on one time alone with them, but that I was not ready to stop traveling as a family.  I couldn’t bear the thought of M missing out on the girls having fun, so after many discussions (M and I, as well as explaining to the girls), we decided to go together. 

And to answer your next question, no, it wasn’t weird.

It made me sad.

Despite the 10 inches of snow and ice we had just received, we decided to make a go of it, and during the 2+ hr drive the girls were in the back, playing away on their DS, and we were in the front- just like any other car trip we have ever taken.  We arrived, and the girls were bursting to get into the pools, and do we dropped our stuff off in the room, changed, and were out the door in less than 15 minutes.  We had a blast all afternoon- swimming,  relaxing in the hot tub, playing put-put golf, watching the girls hula-hoop during dinner, arcade games- even teaching the girls to Polka.  I thought to myself a few times that anyone looking in from the outside would never guess that our family was about to break apart- that in less than a month I would be moving, with the girls to follow weeks later.  That M and I were almost done with divorce proceedings, and we had just spent the previous day packing up the basement where we came across flowers I had pressed from our Junior Prom.  It was the last time we would ever travel like this- the four of us- as a family, and the knowledge of that was always there in the back of my mind. 

When we were leaving the girls said how much fun they had, and I told them how much I did too.  I also told them how, even though Mommy and Daddy would not be married anymore, it didn’t mean that we don’t still like each other and respect one another, and most of all, love both of them very much.  They nodded and said they understood, but to be honest, I not even sure if I get it.  The biggest lesson I have learned to date is that there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to work through divorce as a family, there is only “our way”.  But the trip did make me realize one thing- how much I am going to miss my friend.  The one who gave me those pink roses at Junior Prom so many years ago, who knows that if I don’t get coffee first thing in the morning don’t even bother talking to me, and knows that I am going to push to get every drop of fun out of anything I do.  And whom I know was scared to drive in that snow storm, but did it anyway because the girls and I really wanted to go, who hates the water but swam for 3 hours to keep his kids happy, and whom I know is sad about us moving even if he won’t ever say it.  And yes, there were many things during the past few days that confirmed that we no longer belong together, and one overnight trip does nothing to change the path we are on, but I choose not to concentrate on those things.  I choose to concentrate on the fact that the love M and I have for the girls does not change, and that even though this is the most difficult of times, we can still make each other smile.  Isn’t that what friends are for?

You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up

There is a husband and wife team, Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn,  who have written a book called “You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up:  A Love Story”  It is a hilarious and moving memoir all about their journey through 13 years of marriage, and the realizations of what life is vs. what you think it will be.

I have never met them, but I can tell you that I think they rock.  I want to hang out with them, share some red wine, and laugh as we both expound on the realities of life, because friends- these people are hysterical.

Some particularly thought-provoking snip-its from their book include:

·         The lower your expectations, the happier you will be

·         Dispel the myth of happily ever after- it’s just ever after

·         Getting married doesn’t solve problems, it only creates new ones

And my favorite…

·         Two people can be in the same place, at the same time, and have completely different marriages

Now yes, before you think my hopeless romantic heart has gone all cynical, I understand that these are tongue-in-cheek remarks, but let’s be honest- there is a significant grain of truth to be had here.

In looking back, I can see that I did hold my marriage responsible for solving a lot of issues.  I thought that it was to provide my happiness, security, and define what my life should be like.  I know now that I need to be happy with myself first, secure in who I truly am, and appreciate the value of what I personally bring to a relationship.  I believed that together we could get through anything that life threw at us, and for a lot of times, this was true.  But I think that I believed that we were able to do that because we were “together”, and not because of what both of us as individuals provided.  Most importantly, it is true that two people, in the same situation, in the same marriage, can be leading two parallel paths and not even realize it.  This is so far beyond not seeing a situation the same way- it is truly taking the day to day life of a marriage and crafting that into what you as an individual need in order to feel satisfied, happy; and sometimes this is not the same thing that your spouse has turned their life into.  It is two different marriages, held by two different people, outwardly viewed as one whole.  And there, my friends, is the cracked foundation that should be the cornerstone of your relationship.   It is impossible to grow a life on something that is essentially crumbling at the seams, especially if you choose to turn a blind eye to it. 

It seems that Annabelle and Jeff were able to use some of these real life truths to their advantage, and ultimately, strengthen their relationship as husband and wife.  I want to take their lead, and never forget to find the irony and humor in all relationships and everyday life, because sometimes you just need to say shut up.

Georgia, will you be my Valentine?

So I am on my flight Saturday, and suddenly the following realization hits me- this will probably be my last trip to Georgia as a visitor.   The next time I come here will be to live- in a new house, on my own, starting a new life.  Wow.  For a girl who lives all of 5 miles from where I grew up, this is a pretty big adjustment.  And while I am looking forward to it, in all honesty, it scares me to death.

Those that have known me a long time know that Georgia and I have had a pretty rocky relationship.  After college, I lived here with my sister for a few months.  I searched for a job while M finished college.  Nothing panned out, so I returned to Michigan and we established our life together.   M and I always casually discussed the idea of moving south one day, until about 5 years ago we decided to get serious about it.  We put the house up for sale, searched for jobs, and started to mentally say goodbye to our life in Michigan.  This was when the real estate market started to dive, and at the time we were aghast at the thought of loosing 30k on the house (what I wouldn’t give for that now!!!)  The problem was I couldn’t stop thinking of all of the little things- Would I like the new job? Where would we live?  I would need to find a new pediatrician, dentist, places to shop, and activities for the girls… new friends for all of us… How do we make it all work? Eventually I was offered a position with a communication company, and I ended up turning it down.  It just didn’t feel right- it was just too much.  Poor Georgia- I rejected you again.

So often, as it is in life, you look back and realize that things happen for a reason, and timing is everything.  Now all of those little things- which I still have to solve for- just don’t seem to matter as much, and I find Georgia waiting with open arms to welcome me again.  This time, it is right.  It provides enough support- family and a few friends I already have- and enough “newness” to translate into the next chapter in my life. 

With any new relationship, it’s the discovery phase that provides a lot of excitement.  Finding comfort in what you already have in common, but also the new experiences you never thought of, and learning more about yourself along the way. It is this phase of the relationship that I can’t wait to experience with this state I will soon call my own.    As I look for places that will make it feel like home, it gives me a little rush as I discover what others already know as their every day.  Eventually, as with all relationships, I know that Georgia and I will fall into a comfortable pattern, but also one where hopefully we will have make a positive impact on each other, and never truly loose that sense of adventure and excitement. 

So with that in mind, I am looking forward to a long and happy relationship with the Peach state and celebrating many more Valentine’s Days together.