Super Power

A few weeks back I was traveling for work and went out for a cocktail with a good friend after a very long day at the office.  I truly enjoy hanging out with him, and not just because I tend to be better friends with men than with woman, but because our conversations always cover three things: workplace politics, beer and everything else.  We have known each other for quite some time, and therefore he knew me when I was married, the subsequent divorce and life now.  He has seen the roller coaster ride, and even with that first row seat a question came up that, while I certainly have heard before, I didn’t think I would ever hear it from him-

“Is it worth it?”

“It”, in the simplest meaning, is of course the divorce.  But in truth I know what he meant- the pain, the hurt, the drama, the financial strain, the embarrassment, loss of friends, distraction from work, and upheaval of your entire life as you knew it only to now be left with uncertainty.

I answered, “Yes.”

 

We talked through all that had occurred, some of which he had visibility to as he remembered it and some of which he had no idea about.  After a long discussion, rehashing the turmoil and recapping the revelations, all he could say was “I just don’t know…..” and shake his head.
 

I know that there was so much unspoken in that shake of his head.  We are close friends and I know his situation, and we have certainly broached this topic before.  I know that it has not been a happy home for quite some time, and that there has been a lot of “fix it” attempts.  As he put it, it’s not so much a life of happiness as much as it is routine, and the predictability that goes along with that.  The predictability of how he will be treated, even if that isn't in a good way. The predictability of feeling like you are roommates vs. husband and wife, and that you have come to realize you no longer want the same things out of life.  And through the entire conversation, it was fascinating to me to be presented with a similar situation and see how someone would choose the other path- the path to stay- and what that looks like in their eyes.   Knowing that you and your spouse will never be the way you once were, and while it was livable and functional, and you care for that person, it’s not the way you thought your marriage- your life- would be.  And that is the part that I can’t stop thinking about--- that it’s not the way you thought it would be, or even want it to be, and yet you accept it for what it is and plow through.  Keep your head down and carry on.

And in thinking this, I asked-

“Is it worth it?”

I think it’s much easier for me to judge now, having made it to the other side.  But more than that, I think that in some ways, it’s easier for me as a woman.  There is a huge stigma that follows men that “leave their wife”.  I never understood this, because there is no way two people can be in the same marriage and one can be happy and the other isn’t- he might just be the one to say it first.  And if he also happens to be the one that decides to leave first, from there on out he abandoned her.  But what if she wasn’t a good partner?  What if she was emotionally manipulative, controlling, and unhappy? What if he thought he would be happier if he moved on?   What would you think of him?

Now imagine that same scenario, only it’s the woman who leaves, and it’s the man who isn’t the good partner, and she is the one who wanted a better life?  Doesn’t  feel the same, does it?  As if we shouldn’t expect men to want the same things out of a marriage as a woman.  But perhaps that way of thinking just encourages those traditional stereotypes that tend to create the great divide in the first place. 
 

And there lays the choice; choose to stay because you feel it is your responsibility, you don’t want to upset the kids, and you think that the backlash of those in your outer circle, financial strain and overall upheaval is not worth it.  Or, choose to leave, and believe that there is a better life for yourself, the ability to show your kids what a good relationship should look like, and that the reality is that all those other things are just distractions and won’t matter in the end.  But that is having faith in something that you can’t see, just believe exists, while the other is your reality, not matter how bad it is.  It’s real, tangible… it is your life. 

 

Holding on is like believing that there’s only a past; letting go and moving on is knowing in your heart that there’s a bright future ahead.  And that is where the super power comes in- the power of choice.  Choosing which path you take.  In the end, sometimes the greatest amount of strength we need is just to take that first step.