Holidng On

So, while the girls were away, I did take some time to check out some of the amazing trails and parks that Georgia has to offer.

Red Top Mountain was one of the locations that I have been anxiously wanting to explore.  It's relatively close, only about 40 minutes away, which is one example of the many wonderful things about the Georgia landscape- you don't have to go far to feel like you have left it all behind.

It was a cool and somewhat drizzly day, but I didn't mind- it meant that I had the trail almost totally to myself.  Homestead trail is a 5.5 mile trek to along one of the ridge lines of the mountain, surrounded by tall pines, but also takes you out to Lake Allatoona for a majority of the center loop.  

The time was peaceful, serene.  While I had been alone for the majority of the week, it really provided solitude and that ever elusive opportunity to just think. 

I was rounding a corner of the trail about a third of the way in, and in the center of tall bare trees there was a smaller one that was dwarfed by it's companions.  But that's not what made it stand out to me... it was that it seemed to be stubbornly hanging on to what was left of its foliage from the year before.

I hopped off the trail for a closer look, and sure enough, the leaves were all dead and brown, but this small tree was bound and determined to not let them go.

This really spoke to me.

What are the things that I am holding on to that I really need to let go?  That are dead and gone on the vine, but yet I hold on to them... why?  To show that I have something- even if it's gone?  To make me appear "whole" at least from the outside- not bare and exposed to the elements? Or is it in the hopes that one day they will return back to the vibrant leafy green foliage that it once was?

Letting go... possibly one of the hardest things to do.  Even when nature tells you it's time, that the progression of the seasons- the ebb and flow of life- happens whether we want it to or not.  And just like the tree, it stands out to everyone else that it's holding on to something that it should have let go a long time ago....

It's time to ask- what am I holding on to, and what should I be letting go?  And if I do, instead of taking my energy to cling to every last dead leaf, maybe instead I could concentrate on growing... becoming stronger.

So, to let go is to grow.  Perhaps.  Either way there is no force of nature that can make it happen for you.... it is a life lesson that you have to learn on your own.

All or Nothing

Did I ever tell you that I went to a Milli Vanilli concert?

Given my love and passion for music, I will admit this is not my finest moment, but the tickets were a gift, and not something that I sought out.  Can I use that as my saving grace?

Anyway, my buddies Rob and Fab have (had??) a little ditty called "All or Nothing".  Please know, I certainly am not hanging around singing old Milli Vanilli songs, but the title always makes me think of times like I have experienced recently...

Times when my girls are away.

But I digress... let me back up a little first.

Christmas was wonderful; as much as I was dreading it, it turned out better than I could have imagined.  Having M here, celebrating Christmas morning with just the four of us, was exactly what we needed.  After the kids went to bed, M and I had some great conversations.... we both needed to say some things and gain clarity for ourselves as we were moving forward, and needed each other to help get to the next level.  We talked about how being friends now, in some ways, is harder because not only does it hurt that you enjoy being with this person, but the reality is that your marriage still ended.   But even more than that is the disbelief from everyone else that we still get along so well- I know, it's just so hard to explain.  Regardless, we are happy and thankful that we have each other, and continue to parent as one. 

So, two days after Christmas, M loaded up his Jeep at 6 am with two sleepy headed girls and off they went.  It always surprises me how the girls departure sneaks up on me; I think I am all good, and then it never fails that the night before they leave it hits me like a ton of bricks that I will be with out my babies for a period of time. 

When they are here, it is the all.  When they are gone, it is the nothing.

Now, I don't mean either in a negative way- its just the reality of the situation.  I am beyond lucky that I get to have them every day, but it's challenging to be everything to everyone all the time.  Then, they leave, and the house feels empty- like the heartbeat is gone.  The first day I tend to nest- sack out on the couch, be a little lazy- as there is no one asking for a snack, no need to monitor who had more time on the Wii, and no one to take to soccer practice.  Then the night comes, and I realize there is also no one to sit down for family dinner with, no night time Princess Belle stories to tell, no sarcastic banter with GG.  I know they are with family and friends, and for that I am happy, but of course, I miss them like crazy.

Over the next few days, the sense of freedom overcomes me, and I revel in it.  I can leave when I want, do what I want.  I can meander through a store and not worry that my time is ticking.  I can take as long as I want at the gym, actually take advantage of the sauna at the end of a good work out.  I end up staying up way to late, and sleeping in past 6:30 am.  I'm not going to lie- its fabulous.

Then, as the time passes, the joy of independence is quickly outweighed by my heart not feeling complete.  My girls are not home.

I wish I could just spread these times out a little more evenly, but that's just not the way this works.  And so I need to remind myself of each of these times- when I am in full mommy mode to remember how much I missed them, and how lucky I am to be a part of the everyday. Just as well as to remember to take full advantage of my time alone, and do all of the things on a moments notice that I wish was just a little easier to figure out when they are here.

So the reality is that the "All" and the "Nothing" are both good things; its just important to remember the joy of each one when the other seems all encompassing.  

As always, it all comes back to balance..... as I keep telling myself, Girl, you know it's true.